Father's Day

We prayed to Dad at home today. The foods being offered to him is a chocolate cake, mangoes, rice and fish.

Gong Teck

1st Aug (Sat) is Dad's 3rd yr death anniversary. Mum says no money if not should do a "Gong Teck".
I just check TOTO 5million results...I did not strike, sigh.......

TOTO 5 Million

This coming Friday is Spore Pools's anniversary draw. I have seen some numbers in this blog and will place bet tomorrow. Papa, if you see this note, pls bless winnings for me. Thanks.

New Job

Papa, I have found a new job as demand planner. Work place is very near my home. It's at Toa Payoh. I will start work on 11May. I think I will like this job and will persevere to work there. They are paying me the same pay that I am getting in my last job :)

Children birthday

This is the 2nd time Aston & Keith celebrated their birthday together. Their birthday is only 3 days apart.


The last time they celebrated together was 3yrs ago. Dad was around celebrating with them at my Punggol house. 3months later, you passed away. I miss you, Papa !!

Promotion

Lianting was promoted recently. She was very happy & was telling us her process of being promoted. All I can say is her direct boss supported her alot on this promotion.

CNY siblings visits

This year, we merry ourselves at Duanting's new house at Sengkang Central. We did not want to trouble him prepare food for us. So we agree to pot luck.

CNY2009

Reunion dinner schedule has never changed. CNY Eve is reunion lunch with mum then followed by our own inlaws.

This year, the limelight is on Kyla ! Everyone is queuing up to take photos with her.



But I like this group photo the most !

Christmas celebration

It's simple celebration at mum's house. Adults will buy presents to all the children. I also want to have presents for Xmas & so I have told them next Xmas we will pick one adult to buy a gift for him or her. We also want to merry & be happy just like the children !!

Out of Job soon

Papa, I just wanted to tell you I am being informed by Kodak in Oct that I am retrenched and last working day is 31Dec2008. I am very sad. I cried very hard inside the car when that day Lawrence pick me home.

But I will be fine very soon, yes, they are all waiting to see me not so depressed.

Cozy home

Shushuang has rented out her flat and moved in to live with mum and Jie. It has been a long time the house is bustled with so many people. With more people, mum can cook more effectively & she will not get disappointed when she sees leftovers like last time lesser people dining at home.

Duanting's family of 4 has also settled well in their new home at Sengkang Central. Finally, I see my this youngest brother having his own house. Dad will be very happy to see his son sprouted out to manage his family now....Yes, FINALLY !

New Addition

Today is also happy day for Shushuang。She has given birth this morning around 10plus am to a cute pretty gal called Kyla. We visited her this afternoon and it's very happy moment to see one new addition to the Neo family & Tan family.

Come every weekend, the whole house will be filled with children. Ya ya very noisy and mum always look displeased when the boys (Aston and Keith) are talking and playing loudly.

Golden Plan

This new plan works better for us. Instead of waiting around 10days for dad, the temple new structure has shorted to 4 days and we have managed to chose Aug11 to talk to dad. As this is the last year of praying to dad in the temple, we hope all the family members including the bigger kids can be around, so that dad can see all of us. Then of course, if we can afford, we will continue chao1 du4 for him next yr & many many yrs.

农历六月初十一

Actually it's 3rd year anniversary, considered a big event. Is 2nd year but we are doing as 3rd yr according to chinese tradition.

Been many mths already since anyone dreamt of dad or dad appear in our dreams. Yes, he has died already, everyone knows, everyone must accept by now, because whatver what is doing now he is something we will never know and can't help him just like when he's alive. We can only 天天想念，不断卦念 和 永远怀念。 These 想念，卦念 ，怀念 will turn to reality if dad appear in our dreams and let us know his well being.

Finally..this chance was given to my youngest sister. She sms to us three days back..
"I finally dreamt of Dad last nite. I so thrilled n found my half pillow wet this morning. Dad hold 2 stacks of $$ n he give me $50 when I asked for it then I give him back $30 then he give me $5. He didn't talk to me, only smile at me. Really miss him. This sun is Dad's death anniversary".
My brother replied " So gd ! I never dream of him yet.
My sister in law replied " Ya..always miss him very much..whenever saw a man of his built..will always remind me of him. Swallowing my tears also.

Everyone reached home today for the praying. The two little boys pray to 外公- one says 外公,来吃饭。The younger one says 外公, I love you. 小小年纪的他们还蛮懂事的。

父亲节

我尽量用华语写，这样爸爸才会读，就好像以前在家阅读报子。妈妈也能读。大家不能够在今天到庙“探望”爸爸，我们几个上星期去探望了，今早我们同妈妈与大姑买了猪杂汤给爸爸吃。

EuroCup 2008

今天没上班，拿了一天假去逛逛。正当在选 Euro 2008 Tee shirts 时，想起爸爸！ 如果他在的话，我们一定会下注，想起来那是好难忘的乐趣呀！！！！！

70 Full Stop

As mighty as Da Bo can be, as strong as he can in his willpower to live, he after intense struggling for about 14hours, passed away peacefully at 205pm. The death time is almost like Dad's. Somehow some of them notice it. Da Bo will be cremated on May2nd at Mandai Columbarium.

大伯快不行了

很難過，非常難過。這是人生必經的過程。今天非常一幕了然。大伯從上星期五緊急入院，肺積水，變成呼吸困難也沒力氣説話。家人紛紛都到醫院探望他。 旁晚時非常緊急至到現在。醫生很清楚地告訴我們大伯已經很危險，只能維持几個小時。肺不夠氧气，因此堆积太多铒氧化碳，再加上呼吸管道很緊，所以呼吸更吃力. 醫生說沒救了，家人也必須接受。醫生的解释得到家人的同意鉒射痲痱給大伯減少呼吸困難然後走得輕松。現在連珠和小云會守在大伯身旁。

你好嗎 ?

Time flies fast. Next week is 清明節 and we will pray to late grandparents & also to dad. It's been 20 mths already and sometimes I do worry about what is dad doing now.
I wanted to mention something I learnt from my friends recently. I was stunned when I heard this & I cannot bear to tell this personally to my family. My friend told me the temperature in the Mandai crematory is 1000degree celcius and this has to be so high to ensure it melts the entire corpse. I was shivering and tears near to rolling down when she told me. This is a painful fact to know.

Feel so sad not able to know your well being. So now on every sunday when I am at home, I pray and talk to you and ask you to take care and bless us. Did you receive my prayers ?

Colorful houses

Did you all notice the new accessories I create ? Ya..the tickerfactory with the colorful houses design. I specially chose this design becos I want dad to live in many many nice houses in the other world. He wanted to live in landed property when he was around but not given a chance because he was poor and could not wait for his children to provide him big house. This ticker also remind us to remember dad as long as we can and as long as we want.

大伯

This morning we saw him at AMK around SBCC. I walked towards him and pass him $20. He look quite ok and carry an umbrella and I supposed he need it to walk. He also look tired while we chat and he took out his repiratory inhaler to his nose to breathe. So heartpain when I saw this. So he is relying on this now.

Chemo Timetable

These few days while searching some files on my laptop, I spotted this timetable which I created for us to plan our leave bring dad for his 1st chemo schedule for 18 times. This timetable is really useful to us at that time, it fosters family co-operation, committment and responsibility. He's gone for about 18mths ago but this file will stay forever in my laptop.

Appendicitis

Some people have split personality and we can never fathom, guess, forecasts or know in advance what they will do & hurt us. Therefore, I hope we try our best to handle these people carefully & we can live happily. We try not to dwell too much because we never what will happen to us the very next moment. Everyday we are working hard, in work, at home & with family. These few days or weeks, we are busy shopping and buying xmas gifts for children, friends and family members. We are so drained out and affected our moods esp when we still have not finish buying. This is what I mean. Life is so ironic. We meet yesterday to pray for pa pa birthday, then went to do some shopping in Isetan Orchard and afterwhich we parted for home have dinner. Today after lunch, my youngest sis called and told me she is in SGH !! My heart is pumping hard because I was so shocked and later she told me she is suspected appendicitis & is now under observation. At about 8plus, we visited her and she is still in pain. She was injected with pain killer before we arrived. Her threshold for pain is low and I hope she can withstand it for doc to remove the appendicitis & the pain will be gone. I will give her my power for withstanding pain because I give birth to Aston without epidural. Together we will ride the pain & I wish for her speedy recovery.

Last words Part 2

Two Saturdays ago, Lianting told me dad also mentioned to mum abt next time she needs to cook for the family & what she needs to take note abt the dishes for their three sons in law. I felt so sad, make me miss dad and crying inside when I heard these words.
Elder son-in-law : do not eat ginger so do not cook it with dark sauce pork meat.
Third son-in-law : do not eat onions so do not fry it with omelette egg.
Fourth son-in-law : he eats everything.

Dad is surely so doting to them. He can be uneducated but he exhibits warmth & take note what we eat and what we do not. He is sensitive daddy which is a virtue in most guys that is so lacking in them nowadays.

Then we told mum not to bother to remember who and who dun eat this and dun eat that becos it will become very difficult for her to cook for us. Recently, I start to see dark sauce pork meat with ginger and omelette onion egg cooked by mum. Lawrence & Xianfeng, be "chin cai" la..

More than words can say

It's been long time since I dreamt of you. At times I will think how you are in the other world. Did you eat well and are you lonely ? Feel so sad not able to know your well being.

These are some words from Lianting, Richmond, Shuang and Ping : -

Dad Birthday coming

LT : I wonder....is it true we can't celebrate a deceased person's Birthday? I recalled, we did not celebrate our Dad's birthday last Dec after he passed away in July 06. 11 Dec is Dad's birthday, I remembered singing him a Birthday song in my heart last Dec, the inside pain is unbearable and no ones know about this. Everyone in the family feels for my Dad and misses him in different ways, we don't share openly and don't really bring up his name when we gather every weekend. Something is missing somewhere for me but this is something which I need to accept. I miss Dad in my silence ways, also don't share openly and never thought of updating in Dad's blog. Today, suddenly I have the urge to volunteer to update my inner feelings here.

Shuang : yes i share the same thoughts, everyone of us remember and miss dad in different way, and no one wants to bring it up openly. and yes, perhaps last year on his birthday, everyone just dun wish to bring up it's dad's birthday, i only told xf that it's my dad's birthday but didn't 'remind' you all about it.

Rich : I guess for me, when LT mentioned, she was abit down he was no longer with us but on the other hand, we should also celebrate his life and what he has done for the family.
I believe what he has done for the family was the best he knew how and brought up 4 lovely daughters and a son. His patience and tolerance towards each member of the family can be seen, even myself through my initial introduction to the family. These are his virtues and he is blessed to have them to compliement mother's character and the family's.

Shuang : my thoughts is dad definitely has his shortcomings which alot of time we were pretty upset over it and alot of time we over-react to it, but come to think of it, now i personally think more of his goodness than his shortcomings, i think of how honest my dad is and how his honesty deeply print in my mind and i still remember that i actually wrote him in one of my composition during my primary school days regarding how honest my dad is when he picked up a pack of $$ and hand it over to the police instead of keeping it for himself, and how he told us 'we can be poor but never be greedy'. and i think of how much he love everyone of us without showing favouritism. and i think of how much support he has given me during my confinement days when having keith. and i think of during my days working in fritz logistics that he fry rice early in the morning for me to bring to work for my lunch almost everyday, and his daily phone calls without fail everyday to ask if i'm going back to eat (and even ridiculously tell me dun go back my in-laws' place for dinner when i told him i can't go back on every thursday), and i think of how jie forced me to return her $$ and dad push $100 to me because he know i dun have pocket $$ for the rest of the month.... i can't continue to write anymore....as i'm getting emotional.....

LT : my tears has rolled down liao.Shuang seldom share and this piece of sharing is marvellous i can say!
I also recalled how Dad in his low and unable to speak clearly state, repeatly told mum at least 2 to 3 times to leave me & richmond all the $$ he left after he died. He really so loving and caring towards all of us.

Shuang : yes with just that little $$ he has he just want to give all to you, hoping to help you in any way he can, and maybe that could ease his worry a little. i strongly believe he's blessing us now in whatever ways he can, if we believe we can feel it.

LT : at that moment, i was so touched and held back my tears but Mum made my tears rolled down when she asked Dad if he wants to continue to get red packet from her next year(which is this year), Dad gently answered her: "Yes"
yes, i also believe he's giving us his blessing, may he bless me & Rich a child when is the right time. Dad will be the first one to know the Good news.

Ping : I really wanted to share that I was telling mum yesterday while am rocking Charlton "how nice if dad is around & he can see my twins. mum's reply is it's all er gu gu fault.

LT : ya, mum still have grudges against er gu gu however, she never show disrespectful when see er gu gu. somehow, we don't have proof against her so can't do and talk much, not fair to her

Pa Pa How are you ?

I am depressed today. Surf the net and decided to visit Dad's blog and read the journal we wrote for him. I teared and kept tearing when I read this part..

"It only lasted for a while, slowly slowing his breathing gets weaker & weaker and he ended his breathing at 225pm. Dad has passed away peacefully with all his children, my mum & relative around his bed. He wanted to live much longer but he cannot. He fight the illness bravely for one year. We rode the difficult times together with him and now he is gone. I still feel that he is around us, he has not leave us. I miss him badly. I have no chance to call him pa pa, no more chance to taste his good cooked food. He will not call us anymore to ask are you coming back for dinner, today your payday rem give me money, we will not get angry anymore with him for smoking, he cannot see how his grandchildren grow up, he cannot accompany mum to market on weekends, he cannot watch the next world cup with us "

Praying at Toa Payoh Temple

The last time we pray to dad was during father's day. On Sunday 9Sep, we visited dad and bot him laksa, coffee and mooncake.

Aston made a comment to Lianting.
Here's their conversation :
A : Xiaoyi, dun be sad later when you bai bai to wai gong. Dun cry, ok.
L : I will not cry
A : Let's see later
Oh my, Aston is really attentive to our expressions and so he remembers what happen the last visit. We chuckled over this interesting conversation.

Mum again remind Lianting not to visit dad so often and to only remember him in our hearts. But Lianting seems not to agree to mum's advice and she will continue visit dad regularly.

881 Movie

Last night, we (Mum, Jie, me, Lianting and Richmond) went to watch Movie 881@Tampines Mall GV. This is I think the 1st movie I watch with them. Though tickets are expensive, we enjoyed the show alot. Esp we keep humming the song "Yi Ren Yi Ban". We also cried when we heard the song sang by late Chen Jin Lang on his hospital song. It reminded us abt dad.



Listen to some of their songs here:
十二连花 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mupnIQJoIY
野花不要采 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiRnT2q-z9Y
一人一半 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ForZY9Zj5gQ

Chao Du

Time really passed so fast. Dad has passed away for one yr. Wonder how is he now and what he is doing. Cannot help to miss him. The family members miss him in different ways ; Lianting visit dad 3 times per week in the Toa Payoh temple, she told me just few weeks back she cannot get used to the daily 3pm to talk to dad and now that dad is no longer around, her miss is intense so she decided to visit him and talk to him in the temple. I cried inside when I hear this. Becos I was pregnant, somehow my miss for dad is minimised cos I have a big tummy to take care.
Mum's miss for dad is the continued nags that dad did not blessed him to strike 4D or TOTO. Mum lost someone so dearly to her and no longer can't nag personally. Two weeks ago, we participated in the yearly Chao Du at Xian Gu temple. We are happy cos this is the only time and chance we can talk to dad and get to know his well-being. Xian Gu told Gor Kim that dad is very very sad and cant bear to return to their homes, we teared when we hear this. Dad is still around us, he cannot bear to leave us but what can we do. He has left us and that is the fact.

Last words from Dad

On 19Jun @ 10.45am, Dad was feeling better and he passed this instruction to me via Lianting. According to Lianting, this seem to be the last words from dad cos after tat day, he did not talk as much.

Dad said that I always like to stay in big house, should move back to my inlaw house then rent out my Punggol house, like this life will be better.

In my mind, I was thinking how will that be possible. So we did not think so much abt this possibility.

Then around Mid Dec, I was preggie with twins. Lawrence said that our finances will be very tight so he prepare me that we may need to move back to in law house and then rent out our house. Suddenly, dad words flashed thru me and I realised so this is how I will live in inlaw big house. It may sound spooky but I believe my twins are blessed presents from my dad.

Unfulfilled Trip for Dad

Rem last year we plan to bring dad to Genting for holiday and that shld also be his one and only and the 1st time he will be in Genting. We could not go in the end becos his liver is not working well and he was hospitalised for 2.5 weeks til he was discharged one day after his birthday. I still rem we celebrated his last birthday in the hospital. Next mth on Dec8-10, we are going to Genting and of course will have dad in our hearts and he will be there with us.

Memory of Dad

Cool Slideshows

Cool Slideshows

100th day

12Oct we pray for dad's 100th day. The miss for dad is intense. Really cannot do anything to know how is he doing now. The last time we "see" and "talk" to him is at XianGu temple. Today, "dad" was in the house watching us. Xian Gu can see him and pass msg to us that he will relay msg to her if he needs anything. The entire praying ended around 2pm and we burned the incense papers for dad. Hope he have enough to spend. The next event is 1yr anniversary and everyone has to keep a portion of yrend bonus to prepare for the praying which is 25Jun2007.

I dreamt of dad !

Few days back, I dreamt of dad taking a slow stroll with me outside a garden. He did not say much things to me as I rem that I was very happy to see him. Then as we walk, he ask how is mum ? I told him not good cos mum is running short of money and is worried. So dad says tell mum to continue bet on those 4D nos she buys. I told mum the dream and so far no strike yet.

Dad's 49th day

23Aug'2006 is dad's 49th day since he left us. I can feel that he is still with us, watching us but cannot see us. I feel so sad when I think about how he is now, is he lonely and my heart feel so painful. Mum prepared the required food to pray to dad. Not much relatives turn up for this praying. They only pass money to mum for the praying. He loves crowd & I hope dad will not feel sad that not much people come.

Pa Pa I miss u :(

Every Sunday as much as we can, we visited dad at TPY temple. Dad is really gone. Sometimes I visited him during my lunch hrs, I felt so sad and helpless. I really miss him. He is permanently gone.

Return on the 7th day

Up to you to believe or not. We really experienced cold sensation on our ears, shiver with coldness. Some of us feel someone is close by your side. Yes, most of us experienced some of these or all of these. We all believe Dad came back to see us. He must be shocked to see himself not able to appear. He must be sad not able to converse to us. We are not scared at all. We only wish we can see him. But it's totally impossible. I slept with a heavy heart. Tears swallowed down my throat. Whole head was swirling with images of dad.

Life Journal for my beloved Dad

This journal is specially written for my dad...from his beloved daughters.

He is a nice person, a good husband and a good father. A bit stubborn, has his own views but overall he is a very approachable person.

He was married at the age of 31 and immediately at 32yrs old, I was born (1st daughter), then 1 yr later , Shujie, then 3 yrs later, Shu Shuang, then 1 yr later Lianting, then finally 2 yrs later Duanting is born. At that time he was 38 yrs old.

He worked very hard to give us a good life when we were still living in the small unit AMK flat. I remember that we have alot of nice clothes, shoes, nice toys and stationery and we also had private tutors and these were due to dad's hard earned money. Mum was then taking care 5 of us at home. We lived very happy as I far as I can remember , though I also remember I hardly see him at home. He was a contractor foreman so he need to work til wee hours. He was also a very loyal friend and have many sworn brothers whom he dine and drank beer at coffee shops. He also joined those 公会 and have many resposibilities eg, like organising 7th month events, coordinating monthly donations to the club and bidding 公会money. These were his busy activities during his late 30s to early 40s.

One fine day, someone embezzled the money and dad has to take full responsibility for the loss and seemed like he borrow from loansharks to repay. We were forced to move out from AMK so that they can use some money from the selling. We were shifted to Hougang shortly somewhere in 1985 and hard life sets in. Recession happened and dad was jobless. Mum , no choice, had to go out to work. I was Pri 6 at that time and going to Sec 1 in 1987. Me and my other siblings applied a few times of study bursaries and were approved so the study expenses were taken care of thru this way. I always felt very upset why suddenly we had to do alot of difficult things for our daily livings. They never explain to us and we just live along with the hardships day by day and for a long time when I completed Sec 4 and going into Polytechnic. We ever prepare foods and went around house to house to sell and I really thought it was so suffering for we all the children. Mum had to borrow money from his brothers for our school fees and daily needs. This is really life strickening for us at that time. Myself really plunged into unhappiness, felt so deprived, became very pessimistic and kept thinking when will we regain our good life again. We were again forced to move out because dad need to repay the loansharks. We cannot located a place that quickly, so we bulked into some relatives place. We were all separated and everything at that time changed everyone's life and emotions. The feeling of 寄人离下 is no good feeling at all. Somehow I think dad was also blamed stressing grandma to sell the hougang flat, fetching her to sign at HDB when she was so old at that time. Dad was working as fishmonger at that time and earned very little money. He ever setup his own fish stall and food stall and all them did not do well and finally he gave up and did not work since then when we moved to Tampines. So you can see, between 1987-1990, our life was so 辛苦 and we kept on riding on hardships with our parents. Finally we moved to Tampines to live with 5th 舅舅 in 1991. Same time, they also applied for a flat in Tampines and shortly in 2 yrs time, we moved to Tampines St 33 and lived there for 5 yrs. After which, we moved to Tampines St 83 in 1998.

We were very happy to finally settle now with a permanent home. I was ROM on Sep1999 and married in 2000. The only regret was I only stayed for very short period there. Dad continue find jobs to work as fishmonger assistant for several years and the funny thing was the stall was closed down after a few mths he worked there. Sometimes, can't help to feel why he was so unlucky and feel very pitiful for him. I think by 2002, he completely retired and stayed at home cooked for us. We enjoyed his cooked food alot alot alot. Shortly, Duanting was married, then Shuang , then Lianting in Jul 2004. Few mths before LT marriage, he was feeling unwell but kept from us his discomforts. We probably think that he was scared to see doc. On the actual day, he was so sick, pain in the chest area til he was really so weak that we (me and Lawrence) admit him to SGH. That day was a confusing day cos we had to settle him in hosp for checkup and on the other hand rush for wedding dinner. He was so upset that he cannot attend but very 无奈。 He stayed there for almost two weeks til Lianting and Richmond returned from HK honeymoon in end July.

He recovered from Lung infection and was discharged. Life goes on as per normal for all of us till Dad was strucked with Lung cancer a year later, July 2005. Excactly a year after Lianting's marriage. We were told is an Extensive lung cancer and at final stage, this news was very dramatised for whole family. We were required to make fast decision about carrying out Chemotherapy on the very next day and Dad agreed to it. The Chemotherapy lasted for 6 months. We came out with a timetable helping all of us plan our leave to bring him see doc, take chemo and also injecting the booster jabs.

Chemo went smoothly for dad with good appetite, unfortunately at his last session, he was diagnosed with Hep B virus and was warded for 3 weeks for treatment. I called up doc every other day to check on this liver condition.

Before the full recovery of Hep B, he suffered relaspe of lung cancer in his lung area plus brain. This time, we were told that he needs to go through Radiotherapy for 15 times on both areas. This therapy lasted till eve of eve CNY'06 which we decided. CNY celebration went well for us, parents went on board in gambling cruise during 1st 2 days of CNY. Dad is getting weaker each day however, his mindset is still as positive. Mum is trying her means in buying health supplements, hoping to cure Dad.

Wu-Gu-Gu was very kind to offer to cook lunch for dad. We cannot immediately employ a maid, maybe we feel we do not need one, we feel dad is able to take care himself or waiting for last min arrangement. As always, our family has never wanted to do advance things. But truly at this time, dad is able to take care himself very well. So well so that he is able to walk to nearby coffeeshop buy breakfast, eat lunch and buy 4D/TOTO.

Kaline continues work with social worker on liver med subsidy. Her email dated 26Apr:

"Yesterday, we've received the letter from Social service only approving 40% for the liver's med for Dad.

I've called them again to appeal and they're willing to see me again however, more documents need to be provided.
My appt with them is on 5 May 06 bet 9am to 10am. Purposely fixed this appt as I know Dad is doing his Chemo on same day however, 1 of you still need to be with Dad ya while I go and see the Social worker.

The extra documents includes:
1) Mum's bank book & latest cpf statement
2) Our spouse's payslip and household expenses detailed breakdown
3) Jie's medical receipt from Adam road hospital

I'll take care of mum & jie portion. Pls pass your portion on this Sun."

Between Dec to after CNY, he was coping well. No more chemo. He continue have to eat the expensive Liver med and go for regular checkup with Dr Jason. Blood test taken and everything are fine so we are consoled. One day I went to take the liver med from SGH and took all 3months supply without paying them. We are still asking for subsidy. Dad ate well, look alert and able to walk walk go breakfast and do some marketing. We felt so fortunate that he is able to take care of himself and sometimes we felt so helpless that we cannot employ a maid to take care him. At that time, Wu Gu Gu stop cooking lunch for dad , then we think we shld get a maid as no family member can take long leave to take care him. Being constrained by money, we felt sad, helpless and stressed we cannot do much and decides to deal each day as it comes. Somehow, Lianting managed to convince Rich's grandma maid to come by cook lunch for dad. We pay her $10 each day and the only part is she will only help us til end April or earlier. So now, we can work more properly and take leave as needed for dad's checkip. Mum as usual will cook dinner for us and we (Bin and Shuang) will take turns to fetch mum from work. Though simple dinner, we cannot complain much as we have a chance to dine with dad. I suddenly again miss Dad cooking. Beside this, we massage dad every night to relief his numbness and given a choice he will love to have massage for more than one time. We also start to bring dad to visit chinese physcian at Bukit Merah and he ate the brewed medicines for 2-3 times, each time about 4-5 days. He was coping fine with this medicine til one day he develop some discomfort and stop it totally. Meanwhile he was also taking health supplements where we hope he can take them well and improve his health wellness over time. Each day is a bowlful of these health pills he have to take, he ever complained but he still finish them all. Probably he is also thinking he may get well.

The part maid left in Mid April and dad resume to take care by himself buying lunch when he goes out have breakfast.

Throughout these few mths, Lawrence has to travel to USA for his project work and we left with not much drivers to drive dad for doc checkups. We sill are able to manage it and at times we take cabs there. In one of the trips before Lawrence left for USA, Dad specially buy chicken wings to fry and he told him this is Lawrence's fav foods. I felt dad is very thotful at this time he is battling his illness. Mum is also very caring, she pack an angbao to Lawrence before he flew. I rem too that we have financial issues and mum help us with it. Feel so frustrated with myself that we have create unwanted worries for parents. I was very upset when Law left USA and also more upset when I have to worry abt dad. In his recent end April trip (24Apr) and that was also the day Dad seeing Dr Toh after several mths, his CT scan (done somewhere in mid Apr) shows that cells grown back in lung and appear in a small part of the liver. This is real shocking, to think that relaspe happen after 3 mths and now spread to liver. Dad will surely suffer more discomforts. He is already enduring Dad kept quiet when Dr Toh told him the scan results and that he will arrange chemo for him for 6 times, 1 week once for 1 hour. Every time a blood test is needed before the chemo starts. On that very Sat 29Apr, dad took his 1st chemo then followed by 5May took the 2nd chemo.

Then unexpectedly, on 13May, his blood test is no good, blood count low and he cannot take the chemo and he went home. He was completed dejected and we are sad too. We became worried on dad's condition.

Something is not right and I immediately called up Dr Toh to understand more. This was my communication with him. He only returned my call a week later.

Dad's 3rd chemo on 13May did not take his chemo treatment
* his body recovery is not fast enough.
* it is proven from his blood test results saying his platelets counts are low.
* he did not prepare booster jab cos this jab is only effective to boost up white blood cells.
* he suggested not to eat the health supplements cos he says sometimes the chinese herbs will affect blood counts. we need to discuss further on this.
* see him on 29May & will take blood test to determine if he can take the chemo on tat day. he confirm to me this last min chemo treatment can be arranged.
* becos 3rd chemo is not started, he has counted the 1st two times as first cycle. 3rd and the4th will be 2nd cycle. maybe need to have CT scan to check the cancer growth after this 2nd cycle. Have to check with Dr Toh on 29May.

This chemo is to suppress the cancer growth & he shld complete all the 6 times and each time is very dependent on his body recovery. Why body recovery slow for him ? It is becos of the chemo he had and the radiotherapy previously , they have slowed down on the body wear and tear thus recovery rate low or high. Dr Toh has expected this May13/3rd chemo dad will not make it but he cannot tell him not to come cos there is a chance dad body recovery allows him to take the chemo.

Next is, if ever there is relapse, chemo will continued be given and from this 3rd time treatment , it will also show if there is resistance from the chemo. This means body is not reacting to chemo. We need to know this in advance and be aware.

- 1st time treatment on chemo he had last Jul til Mid Nov
- 1st time treatment on radiotherapy he had in Mid Feb2006
- 2nd time treatment is this chemo he is having now

Dad is feeling unwell over two weekends ago, giddy, nausea, stomach discomfort. He was running out of the nausea and I went to buy for him from NCC last week. Really so worried and scared what could have happen to dad, as I realised that he become thinner and walking slowly.

One day last week, I got to know that Er Yi will cook for Dad for long term. What happen was on Sun, Er Yi & mum went to Da Yi's house. Mum updated them on Dad's condition and they tears after hearing. Da Yi is very soared over Dad has to get his own breaky & lunch with his constant numbness in hands and feets so asked Er Yi to cook for him. Er Yi agreed and you know what..she even massaged for Dad too.

We have also prepare ourselves to admit dad to hospital if he is not eating well or not eating at all. Every day is a strain for us and so drained out. I was sleepless cos I am so worried for him and not able to help reduce suffering.

Then came 29May, Lianting and Shuang accompanied dad see Dr Toh. On that day dad is extremely weak and is so thin. Someting is really not right. His weight is now 44kg, klg drop from his last weight 48kg. Dr Toh says no need to continue chemo since now he sees that dad is so weak and plus his weight loss he suspect cells are spreading. He wanted CT scan done on 5Jun so see how the cells are spread and we will see him on 12Jun for scan review.

Kaline continue with her update on medifund.

1) Medifund for CT Scan
- I spoke with Jaime(Social worker) from NCC, she went to talk to Dr Toh before she can apply for approval for us. So, some latest update from Jaime.

Dr Toh told her that the CT Scan can't really help much to determine Dad's condition so doing multiple CT Scans are unlikely. Also, told Jaime is Dad left with about 3 months. Jaime paused when she mentioned '3 mths'

Apparently, the one scheduled on 5 June will be the last one. So, Jaime can't justify the re-application in this case till Dr Toh updates us his further plan on the Scan's result on 12 June.

2) Rental of Wheel chair
- NCC refers me to call Civic Ambulance. Civic charged Standard wheel chair at $45/mth and $20(One time charge) for delivery to home (Sounds reasonable)

- Jaime advised me to wait for the Nurse from 1 of the Hospice day care centre to call me. This nurse will come and see Dad once a week and there's also means to rent wheel chair from hospice which might be cheaper

Life still goes on..we move on and look forward..whoever can let Dad be happy..do it..whoever can't like Mum..pls try to understand her..she's also very sad and frustrated as like nothing can be done liao..

Meanwhile, mum has taken long term leave to take care dad from this Wed onwards. Lianting will take Jul leave also. These few days, dad is also not eating well and on Tuesday he vomit out all that he has eaten. I immediately buy Ensure milk powder to get ready for dad if he cannot take solid foods.

Last night we prepare one photo to enlarge for dad. It's a painful time but now no choice just need to get ready before hand and reduce last min things to do. All I know from people is lung cancer is quick to take one's life. As dad ever has his brain affected, I really hope it did not travel to brain else it will happen very quickly we will lose dad. The more I think of this the more upset I am. I have also discussed with mum and lianting last nite that we will request Dr Toh on 12Jun not to mention about scan results to dad. We need him to check him as usual and explain to us the scan results. We believe dad will know his condition from his daily routines & not hitting him with news like you are left with 3 mths & making him lose the living will power. I am thinking now since Dr Toh did not plan chemo then why take the scan and know the cells have spread, he wil still not plan chemo for dad.

I do not dare call home ask Mum how is dad doing cos I scared to hear he is not eating. I do not like bad news while I know I must learn to be strong.

Dad's condition is different everyday. Most of the time, he's very sleepy and poor appettite. Now, he only eat his usual 'Chee Cheong Fan' for breakfast and porridge for lunch and dinner. Small portion each feeding. He can't feed himself anymore and he needs to put on pampers too. Slowly, he won't be able to eat and drink, pass motion and urine. This is a norm as he's deterioating day by day.

On Monday(12 June), Doctor & nurse from Hospice came to see Dad. After seeing Dad, they briefed Lianting on 'Last hour' preparation as they deduced that Dad cannot pass this month. Given a hardcopy in Chinese version, everyone else in the family has read it. At this period, all of us has come to term that Dad is leaving us soon. This is the tedious period which we need to go through with him. We hope that he can hang on till Sihui's confinement is over.

Mum & Lianting were care givers to Dad. Everyday without fail, Mum will get breakfast for him and myself. She will make sure that Dad eats well for 3 meals. She has no complaints even Dad gets frustrated easily and gets fussy at times. 1 day, Dad had diahhreao, 3 times on same day. Duanting & Lianting happened to be around to clean him up with mum. Looking at Dad becoming an invalid person, reluctantly Lianting suggested to send Dad to Mount Alvernia hospital where there's professional workers to take care of him. Lianting updated our cousin's Karen about this and has kindly offered to hire a maid, paid up the upfront charges of 1.1K. Home is the most ideal place for our Dad. The maid came on 20 June 06 and has been adapting very well with housework and taking care of my Dad. She has good initiative and follows instruction closely.

Dad is weaker and weaker, not even keen to smoke. Seeing him giving him his favourite companion for past 50 over years, he has to accept in the end. Over last weekend between 24 to 25 June 06, Dad suddenly mentioned that he has 6.1 billion of money, the person giving him this money will be depositing into Sihui's bank account, kept repeating this to Duanting and the rest of family members. He also said that he has bought a big bungalow house at Changi area under Duanting's name. These sharing from him has shown that he's having alot illusion and fantasy. His skin colour is getting darker and greenish. His days are really numbered...

We are getting more worried about him & at the same time very tired too. Almost all of us have fallen sick for the last week of 19Jun-23Jun but slowly we are recovering. But not for Dad. Now he either sit outside or rest inside the room on the retrachable bed we got for him from hospice. He will not ask us to bring him in or out. Earlier (26Jun), he has difficulty to breath, Liating was besides him and quikly she massage his chest. If Mum or Novi cannot bring him, he will be resting on bed all the way. It's heart breaking, our pa pa maybe within days.

We started to rotate coming back stay overnite on week 26June. 26Jun was Lianting, 27Jun was Shuang and 28Jun was Bin.

Then on Wed 28Jun, Duanting sensed something amiss with dad & sugguested all of us come back stay. He took urgent leave. Dad has not been talking for 3 days. Yesterday and today he did not touch ciragettes at all.

We advance Jun Zhi 1st mth celebration on 29Jun, in anticipation that Dad cannot live til 13Jul the actual 1mth celebration. Bearing the pain, we just have to do the needful. That night I remembered that Dad was feverish and we fed him panadol and bullet to reducing his temperature as much as we can. We also sponge him. In the midnite of 28Jun, we are awakened by Lianting cos Dad is not feeling well. He was feverish, very uncomfortable, he was very drowsy and when we call him he did not could not reply us. We panicked cos we do not know what to do and what's wrong with him now. We called Hospice emergency line and the doc can only come after 630am.

In the meantime, we kept taking to him & give him the assurance we will be fine, he will be fine, he need not worried too much for us, we will follow wat he wan for Mum and Jie stay with Duanting if he leave us. We thot he is really leaving us so we say watever we can. Finally the hospice doc came, examined him and want us to admit him to hospital. He thinks that dad has a sudden change in condition and he need to admitted to revive him. So ambulance came, I was with Liantin send Dad there. It was my 1st time take ambulance and the moment the siren is on, my tears rolled down uncontrollably. Could we be losing dad later on ? Finally we reach SGH A&E and I quickly called Dr Toh to see him. He came and told us his discomforts could be the cells are spreading to larger area or there are some infection in the lung area. He will not give chemo treatment cos it's not needed at all so he will treat dad with antibiotics. The treatment will be about 4 days & afterthat he will still feel uncomfortable. At this time, I told Dr Toh that I wanted to bring dad so that he can attend Jun Zhi's 1st mth. We assured him dad can swallow the med so long he approve he can go home with diluted form of medicine. So we brought home around 12noon.

Some relatives came by to see him for the next few days. Dad got a little better after drinking the antibotics. These days he is merely drinking porride soup, water and milk. He is so skinny now. He is so rejected now. He is very upset so he does not want to talk much. He only follow wat we told him when we feed him. It's like pouring water into the car engine. He is also easily irritated if we cannot hear what he says & want him to repeat. He also cannot breathe properly now. At times, I see that he will stare blankly. I am very heartpain when I see him like that. In these few days, he also pass motion, very sticky brownish type. On Fri 30Jun, he passed motion for around 5times. More indications his days are numnbered.

on 3Jul, dad took 2 pcs of chee cheong fan. He look alert, not sleeping. He took some porridge for lunch. He also ask for his fav foods. He started to say those supernatural happenings,he saw big & small pythons, he was sleeping in a long kang in Bukit Timah. On 4Jul, we brought him to living room, he sit there looking alert and told us not to care/bother him anymore. This was his parting words. On 5Jul, he was alert all the way. In the night time, he was not feeling unwell & I fed hin morphine to relief his pain. We bot a TV and VCD player inside the room so that he can watch his fav 10am show. Unfortunately, he did not get to see it. It's becos on 6Jul daybreak, dad was breathing with alot of difficulties, I fed him morphine but it did not work at all. He was breathing so hardly and his eyes are raising up. It look very scary and I am very sad. I informed Jie, Lianting and Shuang and they rush home. At this time, mum started to cook rice, fried egg. I rem that egg will be used to cover dead's mouth. Later on, relatives also came. All are upset seeing dad's worst condition now. Some of them wanted us to call doc to check how long more he will live on. We are terribly upset cos we are losing dad very very soon. He is breathing very hardly, he cannot respond to wat we say to him now. We only can deduce from non verbal gestures to get his respond. One by one stood besides him and hold his hand and give him our last words. Around 2pm plus, dad change his way of breathing with mouth open. This time round, it's really very hard breathing. It only lasted for a while, slowly slowing his breathing gets weaker & weaker and he ended his breathing at 225pm. Dad had passed away peacefully with all his children, my mum & relatives around his bed. He wanted to live much longer but he cannot. He really tried hard to live longer but he lost to death battle. He fight the illness bravely for one year. We rode the difficult times together with him and now he is gone. I still feel that he is around us, he has not left us. He cannot just leave us like that and so soon. We still have many many many things to do with him and he surely have many many things to convey to us. I miss him badly. How I wish he can wake up after we slept later. I have no chance to call him pa pa, no more chance to taste his good cooked food. He will not call us anymore to ask are you coming back for dinner, today your payday rem give me money, we will not get angry anymore with him for smoking, he cannot see how his grandchildren grow up, he cannot accompany mum to market on weekends, he cannot watch the next world cup with us. His wake is til 11Jul and he will be cremated in Mandai and then we will place his ash in Toa Payoh. Pa Pa, you rest in peace and we will try our best to cope our lives without you. We will try to be strong to live on.